you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least đ
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Liz Cheney wasnât exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying âYAS QUEENâ for in 2021 but here we are
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