I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize
