So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
