If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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