So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
