I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
