hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
