I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
