She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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