I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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