I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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