Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
