Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
