When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Shame is for Republicans.
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