her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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