your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
