whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I enjoy the company of your penis
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
