You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
