Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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