Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
