I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
you made out with another girl for some wings
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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