Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
