it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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