I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
