I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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