It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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