I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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