i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
