I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
