I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
