I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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