I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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