you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm too high and old for this...
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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