hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
