Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
