My friends, they love my intelligence
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
