why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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