I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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