My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
