The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Randomize
