I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
