Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
