Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
