Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
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