mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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