I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
