Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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