Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
