i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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