remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
